I'm a recently stay at home mom to a 12 week old due to being laid off while on maternity leave. Not only did I not expect to be a mother a year ago, but I didn't in my wildest dreams think I'd be staying at home. Motherhood has definitely been an experience I was unprepared for. Never did I think I could love someone as much as I love my little girl. Completely exhausted, I still sit up and stare at her. She is definitely the most beautiful thing I've ever done. And then there were moments at 4 am, after 6 hours of screaming, that I think to myself, "what did I do to deserve this?"
Now to get into why I ever even considered blogging... I am in no way a writer. I'm actually horrific at being articulate. But a little over a month ago, while reading my July birth club board, there was a post by someone who's daughter was having problems feeding. Her daughter, Naya, was born 4 days after my Ainsley. There was a link to her blog, and I commenced reading it (http://www.notesofnaya.blogspot.com/). The way I look at my daughter has changed since...
Naya was misdiagnosed as a lazy feeder. After being rushed to the ER, it was determined she had Sepsis (a bacterial infection of your blood, basically) and spent the next 2 months in the NICU until she passed away on September 14, 2011. I sat in my livingroom one day while Ainsley slept all day after getting vaccinated and read Jamie's (Naya's mother) entire blog. It was heart wrenching. As I went through the days of them sitting in the NICU, I thought about what Ainsley was doing those days. When I finally got to the most recently post, it was of Naya's passing.... and I bawled. This little girl was a perfectly healthy baby when she was born. It wasn't a genetic disorder. It was something that if was caught, she would have been perfectly fine. The symptoms were something that even I would have totally missed, but a doctor should have caught. There was equal possibility of this happening to Ainsley. Naya just drew the wrong card.
Now I look at my daughter in a very different light. How lucky am I that I still have her. Even when she's screaming at 2 am, I hold her and thank God for her being able to even scream. And at the same time, I really do feel a deep sorrow for Jamie and her family. How something could happen to a baby just like Ainsley is beyond me. If I had to hold my daughter while she passed, it would be the end of me... I would never be able to mentally recover from that. I have the utmost respect for Jamie and her family, and thank her for sharing her story. She is so much stronger than I could ever be in that situation and her ability to share her story is remarkable. I'm sure she hates people like me... People who still have their children while she does not. I know I would. I am sure her intention wasn't to write a blog so people would appreciate what they have, but that is what she has done. For that, I am forever grateful and maybe her story can be a warning to other new mothers as to what to look for so this doesn't have to be repeated. Naya and Jamie will forever be in my prayers.
So... on the one month anniversary of Naya's passing, I'm dedicating this blog to her. Her short life here on earth touched so many people via her amazing mother. I know I am a better person and mother for what Jamie has written about her precious angel. I hope that I appreciate the moments with Ainsley everyday in the same way that Jamie would appreciate moments with her Naya if she could have her back....
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